


“YOU'VE NEVER SEEN HIM WHEN YOU'RE DEAD.”

by sandean_cas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angry Dean Winchester, Angst, Angst and Feels, Brother Feels, Caring Dean Winchester, Castiel & Sam Winchester Friendship, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel Makes a Deal with The Shadow (Supernatural), Castiel Whump (Supernatural), Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Dead Castiel (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Has Anger Issues, Dean Winchester Has a Heart, Dean Winchester Hates Castiel, Dean Winchester Thinks Castiel is Dead, Episode Fix-it, Episode: s15e01 Back and to the Future, Feels, Fix-It, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Oblivious Sam Winchester, POV Sam Winchester, Quote: He's in love with humanity (Supernatural), Quote: I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition. (Supernatural), Sad Ending, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, Secrets, Spoilers, Suicidal Dean Winchester, Unresolved Emotional Tension, or so castiel thinks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-13 21:21:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21004361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandean_cas/pseuds/sandean_cas
Summary: SPOILERS!!SPOILERS FOR S15 E1...Fix-it after that Castiel/Dean interaction at the end of the episode.Castiel thinks that Dean doesn't care.Sam's here to show him just how wrong he is.And Balthagar is here to show them both how utterly wrong they are.ORThe one where SOMEONE finally tells Castiel how Dean lost faith in every single thing when he thought Castiel was dead for good.





	1. Chapter 1

“You alright Cass?” Sam saw how hurt the angel had looked when Dean brushed him away. He understood Dean’s persisting anger but he couldn’t just let the angel wallow in his misery, after all he’d just lost his son(whose body was now possessed by a demon), found out his father had been controlling him all his life and been plunged into the worst of the all end times they’d experienced thus far.

“Yes.” He mutters. The angel sits alone on a small bench, his trench-coat thrown behind him, his head in his hands. Of course, had Dean asked, he’d be able to get a more honest answer, but Sam isn’t Dean.

“Look.” He says, perching next to his friend, “We’re all going through some stuff. Dean is working his anger about… everything… out in his own way. You gotta know he’s scared Cass. Hell, we’re all scared. When God pulls the plug, that isn’t something that just any human can undo, we’re all so far out of our depth. And if I know my brother, all he’s thinking about right now is a plan of action, a way to save everyone. He _does _care about you. You’re still family. That won’t ever vanish.”

The angel leans back, clasping his hands together tightly between his spread knees. In an almost bitter voice he recalls, “Dean didn’t even seem to notice that I’d died. And when I came back … he just carried on as usual.”

Oh.

Sam could see how Dean’s behaviour might have looked. He also knows that Dean wouldn’t how he really acted to be common knowledge.

But... Cass deserves to know.

“You’ve never seen him when you’re dead.” He states, his stomach churning as he was forced to remember just how reckless and crestfallen his brother had been. “He was angry at everyone. He was rash. He couldn’t even acknowledge that you were dead, Cass. Just couldn’t get the words out. I’ve never seen him like that before… and I never want to see it again.”

“What story have you guys been reading?” the demon, Belphegor. He looks genuinely shocked.

However, Sam was there, he knew exactly what happened.

“Oh and you’re a greater authority on Dean that me?” The anger in his voice is palpable.

Belphegor shrugs, holding his hands out in placating gesture, “I’m just sayin’. That isn’t near what I heard in the newspapers.”

Him and his god dammed newspapers.

“I don’t care what _you_ have to say.” Cass’ voice is thin, yet somehow coated in grief. Sam gets it, he has a hard time looking at Jack’s body too. But years and years of loss and one eighty turnarounds have left him with the ability to push it aside. Shove it down like a true Winchester.

Adjusting his shades, the demon whispers conspiratorially: “So you don’t care that your precious was so heartbroken that he killed himself.”

Castiel whips around to pin Sam with an accusing stare.

“That wasn’t how it went down.” He argues, only half believing himself.

“Oh.” The demon sounds so much like Jack in that instant, his voice is high and curious, “It was all for those ghosts wasn’t it?”

“Yes.” He assures, nodding to Cass, “It was a case, some ghosts were trapped. He just – stopped his heart for a bit to talk to his reaper.”

Cass’ mouth drops open, aghast. Sam instantly feels defensive, “He barely gave me any warning. And – and it wasn’t even him wanting to die, he just wanted to save the spirits. Send them off to their resting place.” Gauging no change in Cass’ expression, he presses on, “It’s not like he actually died. I brought him back.”

“Aw.” His voice is mocking, along with his high and mighty attitude, thinking that he knows more about Dean than Sam does, “You really believe that don’t you.”

Sam moves to interrupt once more, but Belphegor just talks over him, “Sure. That’s generally true. But I guess Dean left out the part where he _actually died. _Billie reaped him and all. Had a nice little chat too. And all throughout that chat never, not even once, did he ask to be sent back. She said, and I quote: ‘You want to die?’ and Dean all but said yes. So he wouldn’t even be here now, if Billie hadn’t shoved him back into his sexy meat-suit. Ta da.”

With that, he smiles, and waves to them as he heads to the Impala.

Sam takes in the new information. He knows it to be true on a subconscious level. He’d feared it. Pushed it into the darkest recesses of his mind… Cass had come back to them. The universe had planned it just right, so Sam didn’t dwell on it.

Cass’ voice escapes him in a panicked tremble, so unlike the angel it slices through Sam’s own musings, “Dean was in despair while I was gone. Then when I came back…” It was suddenly horses and bad jokes. The fact that Dean’s entire disposition to life suddenly changed when Cass came back hadn’t escaped Sam’s notice.

“It’s okay Cass. You’re not dying on us any time soon. Not if I can help it.”

Cass is here to stay. And that means Dean will be okay.

As he looks up though, his eyes find the angel’s guilt ridden ones, and his heart plummets. Blue eyes shimmer, awash with waves of shame and guilt.

“Sam, there’s something you should know. Something that Dean can’t know.”

No.

_No._

He feels the blow of the words before they leave Cass’ lips. It careens him back to a darker place, a terrible time; one where his brother was spiralling and nothing he did was good enough.

“I made a deal with The Empty…”


	2. 'I ALWAYS KNOW WHEN YOU'RE LYING'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I realized that I horrendously misspelled Belthegor in that last chapter. Whoops! (But can you really blame me... that name is like a sneeze.)
> 
> Anywho.... welcome to the pain and destruction of this chapter

Dean strolls through the bunker halls, finally at peace in the familiar environment.

Truth be told. He feels like a shit. Especially for how he treated Cass earlier. And he’s on his way to make amends, sure he’s still angry but he could never stay mad at Cass, not even when the things he had done were unforgivable. His footsteps falter as sounds from the kitchen filter through to him.

“I know you made the deal with The Shadow.” Sam says, “But what does it mean?”

“It means,” Castiel says, “That as soon as I’m happy. He will appear and tear me from this plane of existence.”

Dean crushes his lips between his teeth to stop his harsh breaths from escaping. How could they keep this from him? Sure, he doesn’t think Cass will be sunshine and daisies anytime soon but still… they should learn not to keep secrets anymore. His heart shudders at the mere prospect of losing Cass again. After all they had been through. They hadn’t even had him back long. How many deaths could Dean’s heart stand before it just gave out and he followed Cass into the darkness?

Sam sighs, “We have to tell Dean.”

Something slams, “You know why we can’t do that. Especially after what that demon told us. We can’t risk him now.”

“And what do you think it’ll do to him? If you suddenly vanish one day and never come back?” A long, pregnant silence engulfs them. Dean is just about to barge in and demand answers when Sam speaks next, “I have to ask Cass. What will make you happy?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“You have to Cass!” Sam’s voice is pleading, shrouded in worry. “I have to know so that I can do everything in my power to prevent you from being taken.”

The force of Cass’ sigh hits him harder than any left hook ever could. It’s the sign of someone who’s been beaten and broken one time too many.

“I assure you Sam.” He begins, “Those circumstances will _never_ come to pass.”

“You don’t know that.” He’s almost mad at Sam for beating the dead horse but he can’t help but wonder himself. What would it take to make Cass truly happy? Peace on earth? Jack? Chuck?

“It’s Dean.” The only reason Dean doesn’t jump out of his skin, is because he’s positive that the angel doesn’t have x-ray vision. “Dean can make my happy. And as you can tell, given his recent attitude towards me, that isn’t happening.”

That was probably the last answer he expected to hear. That he was even in the realm of Cass’ happy place.

Sam, ever the inquisitor, presses on.

“Dean.” He mutters, “So if you and Dean patch things up, you get swallowed by the empty? Is that it?”

Dean leans in, struggling to keep track of their now hushed conversation, “Dean… um… If Dean were to express some level of affection… for me … I – that - ”

“Oh Cass.”

Dean walks away, finally letting his thoughts reign free; letting in panic control him.

He knows what he has to do. What he should do by all means.

There’s no way – not even Dean can misinterpret Cass’ meaning – and it will kill anything that’s still alive in him to do it.

He has to cut all ties.

…

“Cass, can I talk to you?”

“Of course Dean.” Replies the angel, “You can tell me anything.” Ah, there it is, that first bite of guilt.

Sam walks in just then and Dean feels infinitely worse about what he’s about to do.

“I don’t think you should stay with us.” He says, purposefully hardening his voice, “It’s too strained and you haven’t thinking clearly since Jack’s death. You’re more of a liability than anything else.”

“Dean.” Sam chastises.

“You’re lying.” Cass voice is feeble; he’s hanging on by a thread and Dean hates himself for hurting his friend.

“Yes you’re right.” He says slowly, barely tasting his words, somehow his mouth has lost all control and he can’t stop spewing, “I want you to leave because I hate you.”

He stares at the angel dead on. His eyes devoid of the warmth they would usually hold as he stares in Castiel’s baby blue eyes. “Did you hear me? I don’t love you.”

…

A gentle smile creases Castiel’s lips. This is the end of him and he knows it.

“You heard us, while we were in the kitchen. You are trying to help.” Then softer, "I always know when you're lying."

“No.” but he knows Dean. He rebuilt his soul, he knows the way it moves when he’s lying. And those movements are exactly what he sees. Dean’s mouth says ‘I hate you’; his soul writhes in distaste. Dean’s mouth says ‘I don’t love you’; his soul dampens. Dean’s mouth says no – Castiel knows that he’s lying. Which means –

“Dean I can feel him coming.” The frantic tugging on his grace begins; he grabs Dean’s arm, anchoring himself. “I love you.”

“I’m sorry.” Dean’s face crumbles.

Dean’s eyes gaze at him with intent. He grasps Castiel’s chin, manoeuvring their lips together in an unwavering harmony of promises and apologies. Castiel reciprocates, trying to use Dean’s lips to resist the being that seeks to wrench him back into oblivion.

But he knows.

It’s inevitable.

But at least he has one good thing… one last hurrah before he enters an eternal, dreamless, slumber.

“I love you Cass.”

The iridescence of Dean’s soul is the last bit of light that precedes the endless darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is for everyone who asked for another part. Hope you enjoyed.
> 
> I already figured out the ending. I just need some way to get there but the last one should be up soon.


	3. Light In The Darkness

Sam watches it happen, his mouth agape, hands still numbly holding his coffee mug.

“I always know when you’re lying.”

“No.” it’s a broken hope, like the shards of his mug on the tiles.

Sam feels his vision tunnel. Distantly he can tell that Dean and Cass are talking, tugging, kissing. But Sam is trapped. He knows. Dean knows. It’s happening.

He sees the moment Cass loses his grip and is hauled away. He sees the moment Dean turns his anger in on himself.

Dean stares at the blackened spot where Cass stood mere seconds ago. Sam stares at Dean.

Words are trapped by sheer fear. Fear of Dean… what he will do. Sam wants to say something. Comfort his brother. But what comfort is there? Dean would implode regardless. Dean would do anything to get him back. Sam just has to prepare himself for the consequences.

…

“The world is ending.” Observes Belphegor, “Surely we have better things to pursue?”

“No.” Dean’s voice is gruff, unmoving.

The demon throws his hands up. “Fine.” He mutters, “I suggest you get to work on creating a Nephilim.”

“Jack called out to Cass.” Blurts Sam, desperate to salvage the situation… wanting Cass back just as much as Dean, “Maybe we can try praying.”

Dean grumbles loudly.

“Hello boys!” Rowena’s cheery voice rings through the bunker.

“Rowena!” one would almost say that Dean is happy to see her.

“Rowena.” Sam calls, relieved.

“Samuel.” She says smiling. Her eyes flit over to Dean. “You seem awfully happy to see me.”

“We need you for a spell.” Dean says.

Sam draws back in confusion. No they didn’t. Unless…

“You need to open a door to the Empty, like Nick did.” His voice is firm, leaving no room for doubts or questions.

…

“Ready?” she calls.

No one is _ready. _No one is ever ready to hold talks with a cosmic entity.

Dean seems to have some sort of plan that he isn’t keen on sharing. Sam just hopes it doesn’t get them all killed.

The blackened gooey vortex that reminds Sam too much of the Leviathan, bursts open. The creature wears Jack’s face. “Why did you wake me up?” Sam glances at Rowena who just nods as if to reassure him.

Dean smirks at the petulant tone of the Shadow’s voice, “I just want to hold your hand and ride off into the sunset.” Dean’s hand shoots out, latching onto the Shadow’s.

Latin flows from Dean’s tongue and Sam can vaguely pick out words like bonded and unity.

“You just want to sleep right?” asks Sam, catching onto the plan.

The creature growls in agony.

Blue light seeps from their joined hands and the black retreats. But there’s no way to go. It’s trapped with Dean.

“What?” he sing songs, “My soul burning you?”

…

Dean sees his brother’s eyes widen. Gambling one’s soul is dangerous business. But Dean knows the risk… and the reward.

He feels the exertion taking its toll even as the Shadow howls. “You see… you’re a whole lot of nothing and my soul; well you know what they say about souls don’t you.” his breath turns ragged, “What happens when you put something in a whole lot of nothing?”

“Why should I bring him back.” It grits out, “You can’t actually kill me.”

“And you can’t kill me either.” He realises. God might be powerless in the Empty, but the Shadow is powerless on Earth. “This is Chuck’s domain… not yours.” At least Chuck is finally useful.

“C’mon.” Dean taunts, “When I die, I’m coming to you. I’m lost of fun, I’ll wake everyone up… we can have a rave.”

The Shadow shirks away at that, but doesn’t get far.

“Everyone knows where Winchester’s go when they die.” It’s almost a promise. “Just give us Cass… forever. And we never bother you again.”

“Yes.” It hisses. “Release me so I can retrieve _Castiel.”_

“No!” Dean shakes it roughly, “Call him. Wake him up you slimy bastard.”

_“Castiel!” _chills run up Dean’s spine as the name echoes endlessly.

“Dean.” He knows that voice anywhere. Cass. Dean feels himself wilt in relief.

With a nod to Rowena he detaches himself from the Shadow and propels him into the closing portal.

Dean swears he sees it smirk.

His knees buckle and Cass is at his side immediately, Sam hovering inches away.

“You’re back.”

“I’m back.” He reassures.

Dean lets himself smile. Because all their problems are still breathing down their necks. But they can face them together… as a family.

“We’re going to win.” Cass’ voice is firm. “And then we will get to live.”

“Death never do us part.”

“Death never do us part.” He repeats, feeling every word reverberate in his soul.

It's a promise.

It's a prayer.

It's the light in the darkness.

**Author's Note:**

> Holler if that casual brush off at the end just about broke your heart!
> 
> Also, I'd like to think that Sam played peacemaker at some point.


End file.
